Thursday, December 11, 2008

A little search term fun

Once a week or so I check on the search terms people have entered into some search engine that have brought them to my humble blog. Much of it is rather mundane; I sadly get a lot of hits on academic bullies, thanks to the posts Academic Bully: Symptoms and Diagnosis and Academic Bully: Treatment and Side Effects. I also get a shocking number of people looking for: your carrier is not supported by blogger mobile (which of course had me all up in arms earlier this semester, too). But some of them really amuse me (either funny funny, or slightly horrified funny). So, for a little end of the semester fun, here are my favs:

excel smack my mole: honestly, I don't want to know what this person was looking for, but it seems a know.

how to get crappy ecology papers published journals: did this person wonder how crappy ecology papers get published or did they have a crappy ecology paper they wanted to get published? Inquiring minds....

how to make a professor chaos: you take 4 years of college, several years in a Ph.D program, some postdoctoral experiences, shake them up, and walla, your own professor chaos!

how to date a physicist: Use lots of equations to explain how you feel? Do they really need special handling?

just forms of gender discrimination: what? I think the word discrimination implies very clearly that is it not just. If someone is telling you otherwise, smack them.

may or may not be river tam: this one just made me laugh. I will neither confirm nor deny that I may or may not be River Tam.

Do you understand the woeds that are coming out of my mouth: LOL. No, I actually do not.

training for bullies in academic: I knew it. I wonder where one gets said training. Is there a special workshop at some annual meeting? "What do I want to learn this year? Structural Equation Modelling - useless, Uses of isotopes in ecology - pointless, ah, yes, here it is, how to be an academic bully! Perfect! Now that's going to come in handy"

general disarray blog: general disarray was touched that perhaps someone out there is interested in what he has to say. I'm trying to get him to guest blog, but he has been resistant. So sometimes I just make up things he has said to see if he'll come correct the record.

what would be the dress and grooming requirements for a ecologist: wait, we have grooming requirements? Have you seen some of the people at the annual meeting? I really don't think we do.

10 things that make you say holy crap: I hope this blog was not one of them!

The award for best series of search terms that have popped up over the the past month creates what I have been calling "The Doomed Love Saga":

The saga begins. Love blooms.: "i like my professor and i want to date him"

Does he like me too?: "signs a professor is attracted to a student",

Love reciprocated: "professor wants to date student"

Love ends, how do I extricate myself from this creep?: "best time to leave professor" (oh child. This is not a situation you should ever have entered into. But now that you're here, my advice is: break up after he has turned in your final grade)

Doomed love saga concludes: "i dated my professor"

While I seriously doubt these all came from the same person (I have not checked, too busy doing things that will actually get me tenure) but they did more or less come in sequentially like that (the last two came in almost simultaneously) so it was really too funny not to construct a story with them.

Ah, I do love the internet! What an interesting species we are.


Eugenie said...

This makes me want to allow google to crawl my blog... sooo tempted...

Becca said...

how to date a physicist: Use lots of equations to explain how you feel? Actually, a flow-chart for how to respond to emotional distress might be handy (True Story!)

Do they really need special handling? Yes.

P.S. Walla = voila? Or is there some Walla Washington in the recipe?

Comrade PhysioProf said...

All the top searches that lead to my blog contain the word "fuck". HAQHAHAHAHAHAH!

Ambivalent Academic said...

Do you HAVE to let Google troll your blog to get that kind of fun. I just put sitemeter on mine and it's kind of fun to find out that people in Finland (FINLAND!) read my blog but sitemeter isn't terribly user friendly so I can't figure how to make it tell me how they go to mine.

I'm almost tempted to let the borwsers in just for that kind of entertainment.

Ambivalent Academic said...

Oh engines already do have access to my blog. How do I make the internetz tell me fun things like yours!?!? Help!

Eugenie said...

I think google analytics does the job... from what I understand sitemeter requires you to upgrade to a paid account to discover search terms.

saxifraga said...

You totally made my day. So funny.
Allowed myself to take a quick peek at blogs as a distraction from an otherwise crappy day and this made me laugh.

River Tam said...

I use statcounter for this site and it allows you to do it for free (click on keyword analysis). I use Google Analytics for my lab website and it also allows you to see what keywords people are using. I don't know anything about sitemeter so I can't comment on that one! Have fun!

Becca - crap! voila. That brain cell died and I knew walla wasn't right, but I was so far off on the spelling that spell checker was ZERO help! Thanks for the insight on physicists. We're seeing more and more physicists port over to ecology. While I enjoy them, I do sometimes have interaction problems!

CPP: You made me spit out my cereal I laughed so hard.

River Tam said...

Oh, and Saxifraga - I had a really crappy day yesterday too, I find ending the day with humor makes a big difference in my morale!

Ambivalent Academic said...

Thanks for the help - I think I got it set up but may have to wait 24h to see any results. Can't wait to see what kinds of wackery get people to mine. Thanks for sharing yours!

Karina said...

Ha! I think the "best time to leave professor" search might have been a professor searching for the best time to leave their job. Maybe they're getting out a academia? Or perhaps it is, as you interpreted it, someone wanting to leave a relationship with their professor. Ai!